The tree is perfectly lit, the fire place is providing just the right amount of warmth and holiday cheer, the sweet smell of freshly baked sweet potato pie is evading the house and taking over your senses while PJ Morton's This Christmas is setting the mood for an upbeat and fun afternoon, then in walks bae, your honey dumpling with that purse from Louis Vuitton that you've been drooling over but refused to buy for yourself because financial health is wealth (we'll discuss that more in another blog).... the moment is perfect but then you open your eyes and reality hits you, you realize it was all a dream and the joke's on you ...in walks Aunt Carol and the only gifts she brings with her are negativity, shady commentary, reminders of all the times you failed, trauma and triggers.
Aunt Carol represents that family member(s) that refuses to let you be great, she wraps her bitterness around you with hugs, releases her treacherous venom with her kisses, and incites anger within you from across the room with her fake smile. She is that family member that never apologizes for their offenses towards you; she pretends nothing happened and speaks to you as if you two have never had a disagreement. Aunt Carol is that family member who violated you and acts as though you're crazy for wanting to fight her at every family function because her very presence is a continuation of that violation. Aunt Carol is gender neutral in this case; Aunt Carol can be Uncle Tony or Cousin Tyrone, she can even represent your grandparents who push their toxic martial beliefs onto you and your marriage. You know who your Aunt Carol is.
Before we go any further, I want you to know that this blog post isn't about bashing family nor is it saying or suggesting that you should avoid your family like the plague. It is, however, bringing attention to the fact that some family members can be triggers and the holidays can be hard for some when they're all gathered together. If we're all honest, we ALL have some unresolved family issues. Someone who hurt us, someone who instead of celebrating us focuses on what we don't have or our failures (when are you getting married?; when are you having kids?; you still haven't graduated?; you're still at that job? ...and the list goes on). I love my family and I believe God holds family in high regard after-all the 3rd word of the Seven Last Words from the Cross was "Behold your son: behold your mother" (John 19:26-27) ... "When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, “Woman, here is your son.” Then he said to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” And from that time on, this disciple took her into his home."
If a dying Jesus could take time out from the pain and purpose of the crucifixion to make sure His mother was taken care of this lets me know that family is a high priority which is why satan often attacks whole bloodlines and not just individuals (we'll dig deeper into this some other time). If you feel like this post doesn't apply to you share it with a friend who might need it.
Here are some tips for surviving toxic family members during the holidays:
Limit Your Time
Know your limits, you may have taken a whole two weeks off for the Christmas holiday but it doesn't mean you owe your family the whole two weeks. Instead of spending your entire time off with family or at a relative's house that may make you feel uncomfortable set a limit for your self. Know your limit, know what you have the capacity to deal with. Instead of a 10 day trip home, try a 3-5 day trip.
Take Time To Reset
Have you ever gone on vacation and felt like you needed a vacation from your vacation to rest and reset before returning to work? Any trip or change to your normal schedule requires a period of adjustment. Set aside some time for yourself during the holiday season to recharge and reset for the new year before returning to work. Use this time to shake off any holiday unpleasantries or get organized for the work week ahead.
Be Honest About How You Feel
Take this time to confront how you feel. Sometimes we harbor pain and carry it around for years based off a simple misunderstanding. Go to the family member you believe wronged you and discuss the issue, be honest about why you're hurt. Be open to the conversation going in either direction. The person may not be aware that you feel the way you do, upon receiving this knowledge they may extend a genuine apology, and reconciliation occurs. On the flip side, there are some people who will never apologize or acknowledge their wrong doing. Be prepared for this resolution as well. At least you can say to yourself that you confronted the person/issue and began to move forward.
Forgive
You may never get an I'm sorry or acknowledgment of the wrong that was done but forgive them anyway. Forgiveness releases you from your past hurt and allows you to move forward in a healthy way. Forgiveness is more for you than it is for them.
When you forgive, you in no way change the past but you sure do change the future. - Bernard Meltzer
Create Your Own Traditions
Define what Christmas or the Holidays means to you. Create traditions that enhance your quality of life, that bring joy to the holidays for you, and create safe spaces.
Find Your Inner Happy
I value my peace over almost everything, I refuse to let anyone jeopardize that. Peace is as precious a commodity as gold and I treat it as such. I find happiness and joy in the peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7). I avoid anything that threatens my inner peace.
Do what works best for you and don't apologize for it.
Above ALL ELSE Put Your Mental Health First!
Happiness, true happiness, is an inner quality. It is a state of mind. If your mind is at peace, you are happy. If your mind is at peace, but you have nothing else, you can be happy. If you have everything the world can give - pleasure, possessions, power - but lack peace of mind, you can never be happy. | Dada Vaswani
Be Happy, Healthy, and Safe this Holiday Season!
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